Yesterday I burned roughly 2 billion calories. OK, according to mynetdiary, the app that tells me how many calories are in the evil chocolate chip cookies, I burned 978 calories yesterday doing yard work.

My body certainly agrees I worked hard yesterday. Five hours into the yard work, I called it quits, took a shower and a Tramadol and prayed that I could move today. And when Scout Son came downstairs for breakfast, I did get out of bed and stumble to the bike in the living room to read Getting Things Done while working out. Strength training is off the list for today. There’s no way. But the bike seemed reasonable. So did a couple of Advil and glucosamine.

Here’s the thing. I’ve worked out just about every day since I lost the day job. So can someone please explain to me why the scale is going in the wrong direction?

Yeah, I know. Water. Drink water. I am drinking water. I had 6 glasses yesterday, a cup of decaf, unsweetened hot tea and a V-8. I should be hydrated.

And I think I would be hydrated if I weren’t taking decongestants, pain killers and french fries. Do I see the problem? Of course I do. Dunkin Donuts is not conducive to losing weight, regardless of how many calories you’re burning. Neither is Wendy’s. It’s not like I planned those meals. OK, I totally planned the donuts. I was spending the morning with one of those happy government offices, I deserved a prize. After all, there was a fair chance it was going to be my last meal for about a week while I waited in line.

If it had been my last meal, I probably would have been OK. But several hours later, I stumbled out of their office, starving. What? Donuts have no nutrients? The latte had milk. So, of course I needed to get something to eat. Wendy’s has some nutritional value. There was protein. And fries. And salt.

Then there was St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, we have totally ruined it and the Irish are not happy with us. I don’t blame them. So yes, corned beef and cabbage and bangers and mash. And a couple of Guinness. But the mimosa was healthy.

Hmm, this was supposed to be a rant on power equipment and how poorly it’s designed. If the pressure washer had started I wouldn’t have spent five hours doing yard work. And burned a bazillion calories. Maybe if I drink a couple of gallons of water and flush out the salt and medications, I’ll see the benefits.

Tune in tomorrow and maybe I’ll write that rant about the inequity of right-handed power tools. After I have a donut.