Look and Feel Easy, Breezy

You’ll remember I’m cruising Seventeen magazine, trying to figure out if I can write New Adult fiction. Since I can’t really define New Adult fiction, probably not. But even if I could, there’s one small problem. I’m old.

Really old.

I didn’t think I was that old until I started paging through the magazine. Here were the clues:

Page dedicated to the “twirl power” of bright skirts. Apparently dull colored skirts don’t twirl as well. Of course, since the skirts barely cover the model’s butt, I was left wondering how she can sit down, let alone twirl. Honestly, you see longer skirts on the tennis court. Or the average cheerleader. Yes, I have seen what girls are wearing to the mall lately. I cringe there too. Old.

When we aren’t learning about short skirts, we’re learning about crop tops, so “you look and feel easy, breezy.” Ladies, we never want to feel easy. And yes, paired with the nonexistent shorts the model is wearing, you will feel breezy. Please feel free to explain to me why people continue to confuse sexy with almost naked. There’s a difference and we’re doing young women a huge disservice by suggesting otherwise. (See? Old.)

They’re using words that aren’t real. Hyper-real? Again to describe the twirly skirts. Somehow the prints on them are “hyper-real.” Hopefully, you’re buying underwear that matches your hyper-real print skirt because it’s going to be hyper-exposed if you aren’t hyper-vigilant.

Flirt-ify. As in your wardrobe. Oy! Your shorts have a .25” in-seam and your flouncy (my word not theirs — you can tell because it’s 1. real, 2. not hyphenated, and 3. a complete word) crop top ends at your bra band. You don’t have any wardrobe to flirt-ify.

Fashion-y. Hyphenating things does not make them words. It does make you sound stupid-y. Don’t believe me? Pick up a copy of the AP Style Manual. Even they say hyphens are passé.

Along the same lines, they can’t complete a word. We have faves, perf (perfect), sesh (session, as in makeout or boxing, depending on the article), get-gorge (seriously, not only can we not take a moment to say gorgeous, but we have to hyphenate get and gorgeous) and adorbs. Amaze. “The results will be amaze!” Sweet Jesus, people. For the cost of two extra letters, you could have said amazing. Or, you could have dropped “be” and still had a legitimate sentence. I could cry.

It would be totally adorbs if the magazine would take a clue from their advertisers and write complete sentences. Like, oh my Gawd! And that is why I can’t write New Adult fiction. Or an article for Seventeen. Because I’m a child of the 80s, when we learned how to write the whole word, use hyphens appropriately, and could look sexy in a freaking prairie skirt and oversized sweater. Like we saw in…Seventeen. Although if I did write an article for them today, it would be entitled, “How to Hook a Guy While Wearing Jeans and a Sweatshirt. Yes, Really.”

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go work on my ombré pedi, and be all whatevs about the dishes in the sink.


Kissing Season

A couple months ago Delta kindly informed me that all those miles I got when I flew with them years ago were about to expire. Being a sucker, I went with magazine deals. Lots of magazines. Like seven of them. I didn’t even know they still came in paper format!

Yeah, okay, I totally knew they still came that way, but I digress. Which is really hard to do with this blog. Sssoooo, among the magazines I signed up for was a subscription to Seventeen for Snarky Daughter.

For those who don’t know her, SD wears jeans/baggy shorts (depending on the season) and t-shirts to school pretty much every day. I really can’t blame her. I wear jeans and clingy shirts to work every day. Hey, I matured.

SD can hold her own in any geeky boy conversation. Doctor Who? Hitchhikers Guide? Stars Trek and Wars? She’s got you covered. Mascara, the current trend in skirts, and all things girl, not so much. Yes, she’s mini-me. I have no idea what brand mascara I use, nor do I particularly care.

I remembered reading Seventeen well before I was 17, and it was helpful in all things high school girls care about. We were the target audience. With my subscription, I wasn’t always hip, but at least I knew what was in. So against all her cries, I got the magazine. Which sits on the counter, unread.

Except last night, I was bored so I went looking for the horoscopes. What can I say? I wasn’t all that pleased with whatever Glamour had cooked up for me this month. Lucky me, Seventeen says I’m coming in to some money this month, and romance. Happy Birthday to me!

While flipping through, I found…

“Your Summer Kiss-spiration! Welcome to kissing season!”

Painting of a Kiss
The Kiss by Francesco Hayez

Here I’ve been lamenting the lack of kissing in my life lately, only to find out it’s not kissing season. HUGE sigh of relief over here. I was beginning to think it was me.

To celebrate kissing season, Seventeen quoted a bunch of guys ages 18-22 (and I’m sorry, but that’s icky — your target market, as defined by your name, is jail bait) about what guys think about during your first kiss with them.

Being a really good mom, I read the entire article out loud, because SD was not going to read it. And she deserved to know that twenty-something guys have no clue what they’re doing when they’re kissing. That was actually kind of humbling to hear, although not really a surprise since I remember kissing guys at that age.

Since that was already making SD scream, Mmmooooommmm!!!!” at the top of her lungs, I kept reading. In the article’s sister blurbs (all four pages of kissing info), I also learned that his top five makeout spots haven’t changed over the years. The beach, under the stars, and in a car still rank up there. Duh. And apparently guys still want to make out in a public bathroom. Huh?!!?

I shared the blurb about the Kissing Jenga game, a kissing truth or dare game which could be hysterical if you’re over 30 and have a bucket of margaritas to share with friends. I can’t imagine this being fun when you’re 17, because really, how many people have you kissed? “Spill your biggest #kissfail.” Seriously? It probably involved braces. Now, once you’re over 30, you have some serious #kissfails to work with.

(Because it’s also margarita season, here’s a tutorial on making margaritas. You’re welcome.)

Sarcastic Roommate and I rated the “other areas to kiss” advice. They actually nailed that one, although I’m not sure SD believes us. Which is fine because I’m not sure she needs to be traveling away from lips any time soon. I do know she never wants to hear any of this come out of my mouth again.

I’m thinking of laminating the article so I can read it aloud often. It was downhill from there, but I am psyched that kissing season is upon us. White shoes and makeout sessions. Gotta love summer!

But I have to ask. Do I need a kissing license?