Underwear Rants #2

Getting dressed today, my finger shot through the lace of my bra. No real surprise there since, like all the others, this one is about three years old. Yes, I need new underwear. But 1) I hate buying underwear, and 2) I was hoping to be able to buy smaller underwear.

Since I started doing DDP Yoga back in October, I’ve lost about six pounds and over 13 inches. I’m thrilled about the inches, verklempt about the pounds, and keep hoping that I’m going to step on the scale one morning and see some serious weight loss. So I keep avoiding buying new clothes.

Exercise. You’ll lose the weight. Go wheat-free. You’ll lose the weight. Do all of the above, you’ll lose one pound a month. Yeah, I know. Have my thyroid and hormone levels checked. I’m on it.

braAnyway, back to my underwear and too much information. Between being a romance writer and buying in to all those ads in Glamour, I believe a woman’s underwear should be sexy and match. Every day. Well, not so much when I work out, but the rest of the time.

So, I was searching through the panties (why do I feel like I’m five years old when I use that word?) at one of those nationwide department stores, trying to find a pair that matches the bra in my hand. I know they exist because, hello, there’s a five foot photo of some hot model wearing them on the wall.

“Can I help you?” Because the only thing better than shopping for sexy underwear is getting help from a complete stranger.
“You could find the matching panties.”
“Not going to happen.”
I stop rifling. “What do you mean?”

Get this. They want us to buy the underwear in sets, but they don’t ship them that way. They ship the bras in one shipment, and the panties a few weeks later. AND most stores only get one or two panties of each size compared to the 20 or so bras they get, so if you’re not the first one there, you’re outta luck.


johnny deppI still can’t figure this one out. I mean, the designers designed them to go together. We want to buy them together because, secretly, deep down somewhere, we’re hoping Johnny Depp is going to show up, strip our clothes off and see us in this underwear, which will make us look as hot as the model in the ad. Our significant others want to see us in them because they don’t really believe we’d throw them over for Johnny Depp. Plus, they know the odds of Johnny Depp showing up (slightly better since he broke up with his girl friend, but I fear I have a better shot at winning the lottery), so they figure they’ll score.

And they’re probably right, because when we wear sexy underwear, we feel sexy. So everyone, even Johnny Depp, wants us to buy the panties and the bra together.

Apparently only the guys in logistics want us in grandma panties and bras that hide everything from our armpits to our waist and lack lace. I’m not sure what that says about them.

Maybe by now they’ve figured things out. And maybe when I go shopping, I’ll have lost some more of those pounds.


Dear Victoria’s Secret and Limited Brands: (aka Underwear Rant #1)

We need to talk. You need, once again, to be run by a man and not a conglomerate wanting to slap their logo on a high school girl’s ass. There was a time when the under 18 set wouldn’t have set foot in your stores because they were for grown-up, sophisticated women who wanted to look sexy and feel feminine without being trashy.

Photo of Marilyn Monroe from listal.com
See? Marilyn had curves.

These were women of the world. Women who had a gleam in their eye that said they had great sex regularly… or would at least know it when they found it. They knew a Secret. They had a Secret. They did not parade around in cotton panties with the word PINK on their butts.

According to several websites (and her dressmaker) and several men I’ve dated over the years, I have dimensions a lot like Marilyn Monroe. So could you please have those Pixie Sticks that work in your stores open their eyes and look at my chest before asking me if I want a bra that will increase my cup size?

First, it’s false advertising, and hey, eventually your date is going to discover that the wonder going on there is cotton padding. And second, I don’t even know what size I would be if you increased my cup by two sizes. I do know I’d be able to balance plates on my chest!

I know, I know. You’re owned by the Limited. Your clientele is, like, twelve. They have

Photo of Kari the Babysitter from The Incredibles
I know you’re racking your brain…this is Kari, the babysitter from The Incredibles

expendable income. Hello. That’s my income! Who do you think is paying the allowance that kid is spending in your store? But here’s the thing. She wouldn’t know what to do with sexy underwear if you gave it to her free! Hence that whole cotton dorm room attire that takes up two-thirds of the store, leaving seven bras for those of us who have breasts, and no bras for those of us who have a cup size above an A.

In your marketing plan, you’ve overlooked a couple of things. 1) I make more money than a 15 year-old girl; 2) there’s a good chance I’m single/divorced and I make more money, so I am dating (and if I’m married, I’m trying to keep the love alive because I’m in my prime); 3) no woman wants to wear granny panties on a date where she might get some; 4) having given birth to said 15 year-old in point #1, I would love it if my bra supported what I already have; and 5) there should be matching panties that do not double as dental floss.

You used to sell mystique. Now you sell sweats and bras that don’t keep the girls contained because you’re too busy trying to smash everything together under 20 pounds of cotton. Here’s a clue: my bra should not stand up by itself in the drawer. It should support while being sexy. Lace can do that. I know this because I have made it my life’s work to find gorgeous underwear.

Sadly, none of it has come from you in years, although I do still have a backless sweater and a silk slip I bought from your catalog 20 years ago.

I’m going to give you the advice I have yet to give my high schooler: Grow up!

Every woman I know can — and would — outspend a teenager on good underwear any day of the week. Without a second thought. I have credit limits designed solely for this purpose and lingerie departments that call me when shipments of favorite brands come in. And if you have a set in my size that looks great, I’ll buy it in every color.

But not if it’s cotton and says PINK on the butt. Or if they’re boy cut. If I were a boy, I’d be buying Hanes.

I’m a woman. I have curves. Work with them. Love them. Accessorize them.

If you do that, give me a call. I’d love to experience Victoria’s Secret again. I miss it.