You’ll remember I’m cruising Seventeen magazine, trying to figure out if I can write New Adult fiction. Since I can’t really define New Adult fiction, probably not. But even if I could, there’s one small problem. I’m old.

Really old.

I didn’t think I was that old until I started paging through the magazine. Here were the clues:

Page dedicated to the “twirl power” of bright skirts. Apparently dull colored skirts don’t twirl as well. Of course, since the skirts barely cover the model’s butt, I was left wondering how she can sit down, let alone twirl. Honestly, you see longer skirts on the tennis court. Or the average cheerleader. Yes, I have seen what girls are wearing to the mall lately. I cringe there too. Old.

When we aren’t learning about short skirts, we’re learning about crop tops, so “you look and feel easy, breezy.” Ladies, we never want to feel easy. And yes, paired with the nonexistent shorts the model is wearing, you will feel breezy. Please feel free to explain to me why people continue to confuse sexy with almost naked. There’s a difference and we’re doing young women a huge disservice by suggesting otherwise. (See? Old.)

They’re using words that aren’t real. Hyper-real? Again to describe the twirly skirts. Somehow the prints on them are “hyper-real.” Hopefully, you’re buying underwear that matches your hyper-real print skirt because it’s going to be hyper-exposed if you aren’t hyper-vigilant.

Flirt-ify. As in your wardrobe. Oy! Your shorts have a .25” in-seam and your flouncy (my word not theirs — you can tell because it’s 1. real, 2. not hyphenated, and 3. a complete word) crop top ends at your bra band. You don’t have any wardrobe to flirt-ify.

Fashion-y. Hyphenating things does not make them words. It does make you sound stupid-y. Don’t believe me? Pick up a copy of the AP Style Manual. Even they say hyphens are passé.

Along the same lines, they can’t complete a word. We have faves, perf (perfect), sesh (session, as in makeout or boxing, depending on the article), get-gorge (seriously, not only can we not take a moment to say gorgeous, but we have to hyphenate get and gorgeous) and adorbs. Amaze. “The results will be amaze!” Sweet Jesus, people. For the cost of two extra letters, you could have said amazing. Or, you could have dropped “be” and still had a legitimate sentence. I could cry.

It would be totally adorbs if the magazine would take a clue from their advertisers and write complete sentences. Like, oh my Gawd! And that is why I can’t write New Adult fiction. Or an article for Seventeen. Because I’m a child of the 80s, when we learned how to write the whole word, use hyphens appropriately, and could look sexy in a freaking prairie skirt and oversized sweater. Like we saw in…Seventeen. Although if I did write an article for them today, it would be entitled, “How to Hook a Guy While Wearing Jeans and a Sweatshirt. Yes, Really.”

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go work on my ombré pedi, and be all whatevs about the dishes in the sink.