Coon Hunting Trials

Last night, the dogs started going crazy. Snarky Daughter checked and saw two people with flashlights in the backyard. Here is the rest of the story:

SD: Mom, there are people in the back yard with flashlights.

Me: Of course there are, because I wanted to go to bed at 9. <Glance at time on computer. 15 minutes to go> Release the hounds.

SD: OK.

I put the computer down, sigh heavily, think dark thoughts about redneck sports, get up and head to dining room window.

Me: Sure enough. LED flashlights too. Wonder if they bought those at Lowe’s. grumble, grumble… <Walk outside on back porch> You need to get the hell off my land!

Dumbass Trespassers: <ignore pissed off woman and keep looking at tree next to shed 50 feet from house>

Me: grumble…<go inside, dial 911>

911: What is the address of the emergency?

Me: I give the address

911: What’s the emergency?

Me: I’m a woman alone at home with two kids. We’ve got two people in our backyard with flashlights. I’ve yelled at them and they didn’t respond.

911: They didn’t respond?

Me: No. They are also undeterred by the German Sheppard and Doberman I sent out to greet them.

911: We have a unit on route. Do you feel safe or do you need to stay on the phone?

Me: <At this point I’m thinking, really does staying on the phone keep me alive?> I’ve got a shotgun. I think I can escalate this if needed.

911: Ma’am, you do what you need to to protect yourself and family.

Me: Yes, sir. Thinking: Sweet, I’ve had a heck of a day and 911 just gave me permission to shoot someone.

SD: Mom, you keep the shotgun in the closet???

Me: Yep. Better question. Where are the shells? <find shells, pull one out>

DA Trespassers eventually leave, about 2 minutes before Deputy pulls up.

Me: They headed toward that road <pointing>. They have LED flashlights. You can’t miss them.

Deputy: They have dogs?

Me: Yep.

Deputy Dog (he was K-9, Sheppard was in the car): Well I found them. There’s a reason they didn’t respond. They’re about 80 years old. I wanted to ask if they were legal to drive. Coon Hunting Trials are going on through Sunday, so you’re probably going to have several people end up out here.

Me: Excellent. Because what I want is a string of strangers with guns in my yard.

Deputy: They don’t have guns. It’s not Coon Season.

Me: Thinking Seriously, we have a season for coon? If you’re going to tree a “big ol’” coon in my yard, kill it. Save my dogs some time and me a vet bill.

Deputy: Now, if you see some guys in paramilitary gear carrying machine guns in your woods, call me.

Me: You think?

Deputy: You know when the military helicopters come flying low around here? That’s Special Ops training. We get a heads up because their weapons aren’t loaded and they’d like it if we didn’t kill them when they’re creeping through the field behind Food Lion. I’ve only seen ‘em drop out of the helios once. I drove around for hours and never saw ‘em.

Me: That’s cool. <good upbringing kicks in> Really sorry you and your partner had to come out here for coon trials. Would he like a Milkbone? I’ve also got pie if you’d like a slice to go…

So a couple more nights of fun for me. I’m thinking of serving cookies. Or buying more shotgun shells. Not sure which.